Cameo24's Blog

Time and distance…no this post isn’t about physics and their relative undeniability. Sure, some things in life are as undeniably finite and true. An object in motion tends to stay in motion and all that. But I find that daily life is much less definable. A little gray if you will rather than so black and white

And that’s how it has felt lately. A little gray. Sure, the weather and the inevitable glumness of winter has not helped.

As a child the passage of time was much less prevalent. At least in my mind. Spread out before me were milestones I couldn’t wait to hit. I couldn’t be old enough. Each birthday took so long to get to. And days spent with friends lasted forever days running around a baseball field, days filled with walking the Main Street of my tiny hometown arm in arm with friends on a pilgrimage to get a two scoop ice cream. Endless sleepovers filled with hours of conversations about boys, devising sophisticated rating systems for gauging the suitability and hotness of boys we liked. Pouring over Seventeen, Teen and sassy magazines taking all the quizzes and wishing we were as “put together” as all the teens showcased in urban settings. We small band of girls, S, and E and me inseparable since we were 5&6 respectively. And for almost 8 years there was J. We spent all our birthdays together. Made each other cakes and cards. We spent everyday together and more importantly every weekend together. But the 7 hour school days were torture as we followed someone else’s schedule and poured over assignments. S there were intricately folded notes passed between us between different periods. Notes that were filled with hopes, wishes, gripes, petty jealousies, worries about family, crushes, and secrets. Some of which I still have in a little memory box packed away. Still intricately folded in origami shapes. Filled with the bubble style printing and giant dotted “I”s that was so characteristic of all our writing.

Approaching graduation time began to speed up. Notes became less frequent and although the bond stuck there was an elephant in the room. We were all going to be going separate ways. S’s family had already moved away before grade 10 to a city 2 hours away. E, J and I still inhabited our tiny town and longed for the adventure and excitement that S must be experiencing that our town couldn’t provide. We spent less time together. Time seemed more precious. Shorter even. And after homework and part time jobs and after school activities there wasn’t as much time to just go for a walk and talk. Petty issues got bigger. Or at least they seemed to. Disagreements weren’t as easily resolved and weren’t forgotten the next morning. A distance came between us. Even though we sat beside each other in class and lived only a few blocks from each other.

Graduation came. No one spoke about what came after. Final exams. All a blur really. And the I moved to the closest major city leaving behind all those I knew for college. Distance became greater. Emails were infrequent. Daily notes were a thing of the past. Soon weekly emails became monthly. There would be long lulls of silence. E moved to the same city as S. And J stayed in our tiny hometown. Frankly we were all growing up. Time passed so quickly.

Here I am 11 years later trying to out into words how it all slipped away. How bonds so unbreakable were victims of time and distance. How years could pass without notice or contact, new jobs, graduations, boyfriends, birthdays and marriages all happened without witness and consistency that marked our youth. And the most finite thing of all time could happen without warning because time and distance separated it all.

J passed away Friday afternoon. Finite. Black. The end of her journey. Years of time and distance so large that S, E and I read the news on Facebook as if we were reading one of the folded origami notes of our youth. There it was. In print. Undeniable.

Sitting here I am filled with reminiscent memories and waves of guilt for my lack of communication. My lack of friendship. My lack of respect for the passage of time and the insignificance of distance. Thinking of J…knowing that she is not in pain anymore, but wondering if she was thinking back on her youth with wist. Longing for the simpler days. Wondering in Her very astute way how things could of been different.

So J although it has been years, I suppose I will speak to you in the only way that seems fitting through my words written as they were so many years ago. I will miss you. I will treasure your memory, the pictures of us at our many birthday parties, the folded notes, and emails. I can only hope that your passage of time was fulfilling and although much too short that you too treasured the marking of time with milestones and celebrations, memories and mementoes. That your last days were filled with those that were in your present, the thoughts of those that you were in your past. And you were comforted, congratulated, hugged and loved for the beautiful person you are and were to so many.